What’s fear?

This is rather a call for help than a normal post. I need to understand what is fear? I think I overlooked the meaning of fear! In my personal life, I failed to find fear. I don’t think I have fears. But I am not certain if that’s a good thing.

People say fear death. In 2010 January, at the age of 19, we were involved in a fetal car accident that took our sister away. That’s the closest I’ve been to death. Since that day, I stopped fearing death. More like I’ve died before, and death no longer has power over me. Not that I have become immortal but that I do not fear it.

Then people say “you should fear pain!” But the car accident left me with a permanent spinal cord injury. It has  torn my spirit apart. It has been over 7 years and 10 months living in physical pain on a daily basis – at the time of this writing. I’ve learned to live above my pains. Yes I complain about pain even it’s worse but I don’t fear it. I just feel it.

Some say that I must fear the unknown. This is where I get confused because I don’t fear the future or the unknown but I can be nervous for it. I could send an application through and be nervous if it would be approved or not. Those are things I before worried about. But everything else is a mystery. I live my life without knowing or planning in details. I can have a general plan like “we need to get our wedding planned this coming week” but as the planning starts, I just go with it, and meet and fight challenges as they come but I don’t fear. I know my father is far too confident and optimistic. Maybe I learned that from him but he’s fearful. His biggest fear is leaving  his children without anyone to care for . He never told me but I know it. We are grown ups and have our own families, and he’s in his late seventies. He frequently talks about how he prays when God takes him, he must take us all as a family because the world is a cruel place to live children alone.

People say be afraid of losing someone you love. But I’ve always been a deep lover. I am unable of being half in love. I commit myself and love with everything in me. But when my trust is betrayed, I detach myself quicker than it takes for a lightning to strike a tree. Yes I’ll be in pain and heartbroken but I never fear loosing a lover. I think I’d never be able to love with everything if I had fear of losing. How can you put all your money in an investment that you fear may collapse and loose it all?

People say “fear not”, but I ask them what is fear? How do I know what fear is? I need to identify and  understand fear so that I can submit to or avoid it. Maybe something  traumatic happened in my early years that overruled fear in me? Maybe being worried is fear?

Do not misunderstand me, I claim not heroism or toughness. I just don’t fear. I get a quick shock when I do lose control of the car on the highway or when I almost hit another car. The shock comes after escaping the danger. But I don’t think it’s fear but a shivering shock in my stomach.

I try to acquire a taste of tear by watching horror movies, but after a few horrific scenes I remember that it was rehearsed and filmed. And I stop fearing unless I convince my mind to be absorbed by the movie again. But that’s not fear.

A few years ago I got mugged and robbed here in Johannesburg. First time in my life. It was traumatic. I started catching fear in my dreams – nightmares. But soon as I wake up, I feared no longer,  though I’d have a terrible day after the  nightmare. Bad mood. I don’t know when the nightmares stopped.

Ask me again what my fear is and I’ll probably say that I don’t know!

That’s not usual. What could be the cause?


Justice and Peace – What are they?

Just as with Truth, no one can define justice or at least not objectively. Justice is easily confused with The Law. In our courtrooms, even well ripe judges cannot fully comprehend the truth about justice. Neither do they understand Truth nor Justice.

Isn’t The Law a body of rules given to society with the purpose to enforce peace? But what is peace without justice? Or better yet, what is peace and what is justice? Are these mutually exclusive? We understand that The Law is not absolute as it keeps changing and is different in different political domains; also, at some point in time, The Law made it legal to own people of colour as property – so The Law cannot, therefore, be Just nor Absolute. But is Justice absolute? What about The True?

Leaving these questions rhetoric, we can then say that if one knows and understands what The Truth is, such a one can help us know and understand Justice.

The question now is, what is Truth

Fear or Danger?

Where do we find a drawn line between fear and danger? Isn’t fear a mere imagination about the unknown, yet danger to be avoided before realised? Yet fear could be used to prevent danger.

If fear be so useful, should we credit it for preserving our lives? But again, what we fear owns us. So should we fear at all? Which is better: to be safe in fear and be owned by the unknown or to be brave and hope that danger is a lie?

What does the Unknown fear about us? What is it that is unknown to the Unknown? If there is, then we are to be feared by the Unknown, too. But we cannot know for sure if we are already feared, because we do not know the Unknown. Yet we can know that the Unknown does not know all things, hence we can hold that against her in fear!

Is it fear or danger? How do we know if it is danger or just fear of it? Fear is not real. It is an amplified imagination. Danger on the other hand is very real. But how do we tell them apart? Are they perhaps inseparable in that danger is a realised form of fear?

I will not be contained by fear.

Purpose Of Time

The purpose of time is that things may not happen at once and in the same place. It is a phenomenon that makes all logic.

That means that the existence of time helps to avoid situations where you’d be born together with your parent and your grandchildren in the same moment. Would you love to be uneducated and educated at the same moment? Or be old and an infant at once? Or that you’d exist in more than one place at once! Okay, I’d love to exist in many places at once. But I would not like to be alive and dead at the same time!
Time separates these events allowing reality to express its value. Otherwise all things would collapse in one point!

Beyond Myself – I Exist

Life is a journey“, so they say. But every journey changes us. At the end of it we become new beings.

Octavio Paz once said,

“Beyond myself, somewhere, I wait for my arrival”.

Now let your thoughts be soaked in that!

Here I am, now, here, not there, not then, but here and now. But at a point ahead in time, there I already exist in both success and failure, both pain and glory – bearing a new image, just waiting for time to let me arrive. This image is only realised through time. I am waiting for myself to arrive to myself – a new self! I will gradually arrive! Beyond myself I exist – behind myself, there, I have been!

Seven years ago, I had a dream to be where I am today. So in the future I existed in all my glory, just waiting for myself. Here I am. More I shall dream. More I shall become. There I shall be.

I am becoming. I have already become. I have been, and I am. Here, there, now and then – I exist in all glory!

I Wonder Why People Are So Rude.

I have come across people turning from cool to mean in a second over the years. So I wanted to understand what’s under the hood. I wondered what could be the driving force behind meanness – so I started thinking about it. Here’s what I found

Humans are creatures driven by emotions. That’s the pumping centre on our being – emotions. Change how a person feels and they will change how they talk to you.

See, rudeness is not much off. People become rude or mean when they feel insecure. This word is a little abstract, so let us break it down a little: If a person feels threatened, their natural reaction is to look after themselves – to try and give the idea that they aren’t afraid. It is a natural defence mechanism. They use rudeness to convince the ‘intruder’ that I can rip you into slices right now, you stupid moron! – While they are shrinking inside. But if a person does not recognise a threat, they’d go on as usual.

Insecurity extends to a number of things. If you make them feel like they will lose what they have, they may become rude. Or if you make them feel like they are not sufficient, they may try to prove to you that they are. A person embracing insecurity does not want to feel like they are or would be judged.

Rude people are afraid of not being in control. They are terrified of not being seen as ‘powerful’. So they use harshness to reaffirm themselves and their subjects that they are still in charge.

My aim is not to mess with people’s emotion, so when I sense rudeness coming my way, I try to see how to make them see again.

What is intelligence? Maybe who is, not what is?

History analysis of human intelligence tells us that humans are probably the least intelligent beings on earth. Contrary to human belief – that is. Seeing another human as a resource to exploit in slavery and oppressive rules, and going as far as institutionalizing hatred based on a skin tone – that my friend, is the lowest point a self proclaimed ‘intelligent’ being could ever go. Even donkeys don’t do that.

Our thinking is way too limited. And we are prideful – we think in selfish terms. Remember ages ago humans thought that they lived at the ‘center’ of an eyeball? Later they learned that the universe isn’t an eye. So they shifted their view to say that we are at the ‘center’ of the Milky-way Galaxy. Later we learned that we aren’t at the center of anything.

We have also been asking, “if there be another intelligent life out there, more intelligent than us, why has it not made contact with us already?”  Well, that’s a selfish question once again. It is not always about us. Who said it hasn’t made contact with us? In fact, why would it be interested in us at all? How do we know if at all, that there was any contact made? Are they supposed to be speaking the same language as us or communicating through Electromagnetic waves like we do? Or use binary operated technologies like ours? In fact, what is life? What if what we define as life here on earth is just one form of life out of a billion other different forms of life? We’ve had contact with the winds. What if the winds had consciousness of their own form? See not all things must be in human standards for them to be considered valid.

survey now

See, if you have to learn something, that thing isn’t in your character or nature. Likewise, we have to constantly learn that not all creation is about us. That we are but just a drop of a speck of dust in the vastness of all creation in the universe. We have to learn selflessness because we are selfish. Just like sometimes when we extend our help to others, it would be for our selfish desire to feel righteous about it. Still selfish. We enslave each other for our selfish benefits.

Now true intelligence should be open minded. It cannot be self centered and so self absorbed. It must swallow the universe in thought and extend imagination far beyond self. An intelligent eye must, by default, see all people with one eye. No standards. No classes. No differed treatment. That is, if I show good treatment towards a successful businessman, the same level of treatment must be extended towards a homeless man and the same for an infant or for a dying old man. There must not be any difference because we are all the same. Wealth is acquired, it isn’t part of our image. Two events prove that we are the same: birth and death. And everything else in between is clouded by the illusion that we are different.

An intelligent eye must not seek to destroy other lives – wars, crimes and all self-centered vile acts a human brain can cook up. We have not yet seen animals bombing each other or making each other slaves and servants.

Maybe  intelligent life is found in animals. But no, we want it for ourselves. Animals don’t care about whether they are seen as intelligent or not. You know why? Because intelligent beings don’t care about it. Only a foolish creation would be so obsessed with the idea of being intelligent so that they may feel elevated above all other creation. “Above” by whose measurement? Self measurement. Selfish again. That form of pride is the evidence of the absence of intelligence. Let alone wisdom. Because of this selfishness, we become so insecure. See, insecure people usually tend to be harsh and ruthless. That is because they are afraid of not being in control; terrified of not being in power. So they will enslave you, they will press you down and colonise your own body. They are terrified of not being in control and power – because these two are an illusion and remain the creation of their own minds! If their self of control was real, they would not be afraid of loosing it.

See, hate, anger, grudge – these are the lies that we consume everyday. The minute we do away of these, we would become more and increasingly more aware that love is our true nature, and everything else is a lie – an illusion, only a perception built upon ego!

Now, what is intelligence? Or, better yet, who is intelligent?




Self Hack Report 101

========== Self-Hack Attempt 101 Report =========
So I have two laptops at home, both connected to the same WiFi which I am an admin of.
Today I was trying to simulate a hack on one of the machines, let’s call it A using the second one, B. Both machines are running Linux, but that shouldn’t matter.
Laptop-A was supposed to run a script that performs a hack attack on B using what we call ‘Ping Of Death DoS Attack’. Basically, laptop A launched 20 parallel threads each sending 500 Service-Me requests on laptop B, each millisecond for 30 seconds. That’s a total of 300,000,000 (300 million) requests in just 30 seconds.
To cut the story short, I overlooked the mechanisms that I used, I actually ended up bricking my WiFi LTE router, which I had to hard-reset and I also froze laptop A, the attacker.
Basically, the attack bounced back and attacked the attacking computer, not the target, because each GET-request waited for a response, and they all piled up in a waiting queue, and eventually filled up the RAM, killing my computer (8 Gig RAM, Octa core processing units, intel i7). I had to reboot it.
The target computer did not get affected in the process simply because those thousands of requests could not get served passed the WiFi router. So in essence, if the target laptop, B, was a global web server, it would have not crushed, but just inaccessible. So in other words, I can say that the attack succeeded in terms of DoS definition.
================= End of Report 101 =============

South African political challenges

How do you appreciate someone you’ve always valued lower than your dog? How do you begin to respect someone you’ve never thought of as human? Why else do you think most whites don’t bother to learn a black language, like they’d say, ’21 years of democracy is a lot of time – there’s no change’?

In a country like ours, South Africa, the term ‘democracy’ is more on paper than in practice.
When we talk ‘black’ and ‘white’, we are not referring to just race or colour! Get it right, at least for once. The word ‘white’ mainly refers to power, control and hate . On the other hand, ‘Black’ is associated with poverty and lowliness – the receiving end of white power and hate.

So next time, don’t talk to me like black and white is just a skin colour! Anything good done by a black person is not good enough to a white-eye; it is always criticised and disapproved.

It is still ideal for us to be one nation, a rainbow nation as portrait in the international media or in our political writings which were written and edited from a political view point. But we are on the ground daily, and we experience racism in countless ways in our own land.

Sometimes I agree with those who’d say “Mandela forgave you, we didn’t!”. At times I wonder why he did it. At times I feel betrayed by him and his crew. At times I try and see things from his explained-view and I agree with him.

We cannot teach a black child to be colourblind in this country yet because his oppressors still teach their children how to smile, shake his hand, make business with him and hate him at the same time. We aren’t ready yet.

Are you white and not racist? what are you doing about racism?

Are you black and colorblind? Wake up! The dream will never come true unless you wake up to make it possible!

It is said that: anyone neutral towards any form of oppression or violence, takes the side of the oppressor.