This is rather a call for help than a normal post. I need to understand what is fear? I think I overlooked the meaning of fear! In my personal life, I failed to find fear. I don’t think I have fears. But I am not certain if that’s a good thing.
People say fear death. In 2010 January, at the age of 19, we were involved in a fetal car accident that took our sister away. That’s the closest I’ve been to death. Since that day, I stopped fearing death. More like I’ve died before, and death no longer has power over me. Not that I have become immortal but that I do not fear it.
Then people say “you should fear pain!” But the car accident left me with a permanent spinal cord injury. It has torn my spirit apart. It has been over 7 years and 10 months living in physical pain on a daily basis – at the time of this writing. I’ve learned to live above my pains. Yes I complain about pain even it’s worse but I don’t fear it. I just feel it.
Some say that I must fear the unknown. This is where I get confused because I don’t fear the future or the unknown but I can be nervous for it. I could send an application through and be nervous if it would be approved or not. Those are things I before worried about. But everything else is a mystery. I live my life without knowing or planning in details. I can have a general plan like “we need to get our wedding planned this coming week” but as the planning starts, I just go with it, and meet and fight challenges as they come but I don’t fear. I know my father is far too confident and optimistic. Maybe I learned that from him but he’s fearful. His biggest fear is leaving his children without anyone to care for . He never told me but I know it. We are grown ups and have our own families, and he’s in his late seventies. He frequently talks about how he prays when God takes him, he must take us all as a family because the world is a cruel place to live children alone.
People say be afraid of losing someone you love. But I’ve always been a deep lover. I am unable of being half in love. I commit myself and love with everything in me. But when my trust is betrayed, I detach myself quicker than it takes for a lightning to strike a tree. Yes I’ll be in pain and heartbroken but I never fear loosing a lover. I think I’d never be able to love with everything if I had fear of losing. How can you put all your money in an investment that you fear may collapse and loose it all?
People say “fear not”, but I ask them what is fear? How do I know what fear is? I need to identify and understand fear so that I can submit to or avoid it. Maybe something traumatic happened in my early years that overruled fear in me? Maybe being worried is fear?
Do not misunderstand me, I claim not heroism or toughness. I just don’t fear. I get a quick shock when I do lose control of the car on the highway or when I almost hit another car. The shock comes after escaping the danger. But I don’t think it’s fear but a shivering shock in my stomach.
I try to acquire a taste of tear by watching horror movies, but after a few horrific scenes I remember that it was rehearsed and filmed. And I stop fearing unless I convince my mind to be absorbed by the movie again. But that’s not fear.
A few years ago I got mugged and robbed here in Johannesburg. First time in my life. It was traumatic. I started catching fear in my dreams – nightmares. But soon as I wake up, I feared no longer, though I’d have a terrible day after the nightmare. Bad mood. I don’t know when the nightmares stopped.
Ask me again what my fear is and I’ll probably say that I don’t know!
That’s not usual. What could be the cause?